This time of year is a very emotional time for me, as memories resurface, and all of the thoughts and feelings that go with them come rushing back to me. On the 24th we celebrated Xyler's 2nd birthday. What a great day it was. I consider every birthday we celebrate with him a blessing. With the wonderful, happy feelings, comes all the feelings from 2 years ago. The happy joy of holding, what I thought was my perfectly healthy new baby boy, to the shock and confusion while holding my baby with the broken heart. Giving him a hug and kiss before life flight took him. It may sound weird, but in some way's I felt like I had 2 baby's that night. A healthy boy and a boy with a broken heart.
The next few days I mourned the baby that I thought was healthy. In my state of shock I kept thinking about how I should have been taking him home instead of sitting at Primary Children's, seeing him hooked up to machines and hearing them beep all day long. It was a sweet nurse that Xyler had, who told me I was mourning the baby I thought was healthy. It made so much sense after she said that, and helped me to finish mourning and cope with the reality my sweet baby faced.
Today marks the 2 year anniversary of his first open heart surgery. My sweet baby was only 3 1/2 days old when I had to watch them roll him away, not knowing what the outcome was going to be. We had met his surgeon, Dr. Kaza, the night before. He was so kind and explained everything to us. I felt a bit better after meeting him and talking to him about everything. He also told us that Xyler had a fan club of people who liked his name. :)
After, we ran home to pick up our other 3 kids. We wanted them to be able to see Xyler before his surgery, just in case something happened, and then they were going to stay at my sister's for the next few days. Xavian was only 14 1/2 months old and wasn't able to see Xyler the day after he was born, since the CICU doesn't allow kids under 2. They let us bring him in, so that he could see him for the first time. We were able to have our first family pic with Xyler. Xyler was intibated so we couldn't hold him but my kids were able to give him a kiss. It was a special time.
The next morning we got to Xyler's bed around 6:30. They were going to take him back for surgery around 7. Scott and Nate, the night nurse, gave Xyler a blessing. After Dr. Kaza came to talk to us again before the surgery. He was so sweet and worried about how I would react seeing Xyler after surgery. He asked our nurse to show us a baby that just had surgery so that we would know what to expect. Before he left he told us that he would treat him as if he were his own child. Sweeter words have never been spoken to this mother's ears. It was just what I needed to hear.
Saying goodbye is always the hardest part. I couldn't stop crying as they wheeled him away after I gave him several kisses. Looking back it's still hard to describe all of the emotions and feelings that I had. I think I was still in a state of shock and disbelief. As we sat down in the waiting room, I just couldn't believe our little baby was having open heart surgery. It still seemed like a nightmare that I couldn't wake up from. I was so anxious the whole time to have an update. They let us know when they started, put him on heart and lung bypass, took him off and were closing him. Everything took about 5 hours.
All I felt when I got so see my baby was relief! I was so thankful and grateful that he made it. He had iv's everywhere and other tubes coming out of places, but these didn't scare me like the dr was worried about. I knew they were helping him and all that I cared about was that he made it. His nurse kept watching me and told me that I was handling it better than she thought I would. She is our favorite nurse and this was her second time taking care of Xyler. I had been such an emotional wreck all of the previous days, I think that is why they thought I would not handle it well. Who can blame me for being super emotional. I had just had a baby and 8 hours after having him he was taken away and I was heading down to Primary Children's to be with him. I didn't get any time to rest and had all of the hormones from having a baby running through me. I was a walking train wreck until I saw that he was still alive. I knew the next few days were critical but all I could think about was that my baby was alive!
Xyler showed everyone how awesome he is and came home 6 days later. The doctors and nurses were so impressed with how well he was doing. He showed us then and still shows us how strong and amazing he is. Sometimes I wish I could forget all of these thoughts and feelings but then I realize I wouldn't know how truly blessed I am if I didn't remember. My testimony grew so much during those 10 days Xyler was in the hospital and continues to grow all of the time. How blessed and thankful I am for forever families and the gospel. This heart journey can be very hard and you never know what to expect. I am so thankful for the IHH group that I am a part of and for all of the other heart moms and I have had the privilege of meeting and becoming friends with. They are amazing and help me so much!
Today I will remember the hard memories but I will also remember all of the blessings in my life. My kids are my life. I love each of them so much! I am truly blessed to have them and my amazing husband in my life.
